A year ago today I tried to kill myself for the second time in two weeks. I wasn’t messing around, I wanted out and that was the outcome I expected. Obviously it wasn’t the actual outcome as I’m sitting here writing this but my intention at that time was to die. After a few days in hospital and the joy of having the home treatment team looking after me (which you can read about in This is what mental illness looks like) I spent a long time recovering, getting used to a different medication regime and basically trying to be glad about being alive. I think I’m more or less there. There are days when it all gets a bit too much and there are times when the suicidal thoughts are more intrusive but on the whole I’m glad to be here.
So now that I’m here the next question is what to do with the time that I have. I feel pretty useless to be honest. I can get massively stressed out in seconds over the slightest thing and concentrating for any meaningful length of time is exhausting. I’ve managed over the last few months to build up to going to a yoga class and although I try to go every week it’s still not guaranteed that I’ll get there. As far as going out on my own goes, that’s about it. My comfort zone doesn’t extend much further than the house or car (and sometimes doesn’t even make it to the car) but I’m much better than I was at going out with hubby and can even do the weekly food shop with him now. Believe me, I know this sounds really lame but if you’d told me that I could go into a supermarket on a Saturday twelve months ago I’d have laughed in your face. Lol lol lol. I’m pretty sure that most people don’t realise this about me from social media or if they happen to see me when I am actually out and about. My mask is good. It’s soooo good. But it’s heavy and I’m too tired to wear it as often as I’d like. Anyway, despite being a general waste of space I’ve recently started drawing again at the suggestion of my yoga teacher. I got some new sketchbooks and pencils and things started to pour out of my brain and fill the pages. I’ve nearly finished one of the books and half-filled the other and the ideas keep coming. Some are abstract although I can see what they are, some are obvious and these tend to be darker images. When once I kept my drawings just for me now I share them in the hope that somehow they give an insight into how I see the world. So here are a few of this year’s doodles. Hopefully I’ll still be around to mark this strange anniversary again next year.
Brain Wanderings 