Today I found out how hard it is to deliberately drown in the bath. I also realised that my memory is about as much use as the first pancake from a batch that is full of holes and falling apart. To be honest I knew my memory was pretty rubbish before today. Not being able to recall a simple choice that I had made yesterday is quite frightening though and it seems to be getting worse. Regarding the bath – I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but I had convinced myself that getting sedated enough before getting in a full tub might do the job relatively painlessly. I had visions of gently drifting off to sleep and letting the water finish the job. As I am writing this it can be assumed that method isn’t particularly effective. Maybe more pills or more water were needed? Who knows. But here we are, still alive. I don’t even have any feelings about it, I’m not happy it failed or sad that it didn’t. I’m completely indifferent to being alive, as though both states of life and death are one and the same to me. I’m sure a therapist would have plenty to say about that but as I don’t have one I’ll have to come to my own conclusions.
Life has been weird lately. The saga of being blocked by the old friend who fell out with me years ago but got back in touch a couple of years ago has really knocked me for six and I’m still struggling to deal with it. I’m trying not to think of it and when I do find my thoughts turning to her I try to acknowledge that not everyone will like me and that’s ok and that she is perfectly within her rights to cut contact with me. I just wish I knew why she cut me off and if there is something I could learn from for future relationships. I don’t think I will ever get answers though and my mind goes from trying to persuade me that I don’t even care to pondering whether I should send her a handwritten note explaining how I feel. Maybe in time I will be able to let it go but for some reason I feel inexplicably tied to her and at the moment it just really really hurts.
I had another blast from the past recently. My first husband needed me to fill some paperwork in for him and messaged me to ask via Facebook. I hadn’t seen him since 2006 and it was a massive shock to hear from him. I think all of these people from the past are stirring up memories and thoughts that had been forgotten about and I’m finding them hard to deal with. My dreams have been epic, ranging from truly horrific to actually quite amazing but all of them leave me feeling exhausted when I wake and haunted by their content for the following day or sometimes longer. I think I’m trying to process such a mixed up mess of feelings that the result is a mixed up mess too.
Anyway, here I am. Still alive. Sober for just over nine months and over two years without a cigarette. Looking back at photos from before I gave up these two vices I actually feel the urge to start again. Since stopping I have turned into a fat, acne covered slug whose hair is falling out and who can’t do anything without her whole body hurting. Maybe this is the penance I have to pay for the wrongs that I have done in my life? If that’s the case then I suppose I should bear it with serenity and grace. How heartbreaking to know that you are such an awful person that his is your punishment.
Brain Wanderings 