I’m sad. I’ve been sad for a few days now but it seems to be getting worse. It started last week with a horrendous migraine on Monday and another one which lasted all of Thursday until Friday morning. Things weren’t helped by me crying my eyes out in the cinema watching A Star Is Born either. So that was a shit week, both in terms of being in a lot of pain (which is always crap) and also because I couldn’t train or eat properly. When I started to feel a bit better on Friday afternoon I was so so pleased. I went to the pub and met friends for a couple of hours and was looking forward to getting back to training on Saturday morning and having a fun weekend. Unfortunately this was not to be. Some arsehole has infected me with a horrendous lurgy which has left me feeling like death. I’ve spent the last four days alternating between lying in bed or on the sofa in a nest made of my duvet, pillows and my favourite pusheen. Oh and the pup of course. He’s very much enjoying snuggling in my nest. I’m crying at everything, films, photographs, Instagram posts, Facebook videos, dog memes. You name it I’ll cry at it. I just feel so so so so sad. It’s like I’m grieving for something but I don’t know what. My brain is fuzzy and I’m finding it hard to concentrate but most worrying of all is that I’ve started to see faces where there actually aren’t any again. This is my big cue that things are not going well and I need to do something to prevent the almost inevitable descent into full-blown psychosis again. I have an appointment with a different psychiatrist next week because my Lithium blood levels are too low so maybe that’s the reason why things are wobbly and once I get my meds sorted I’ll be ok. I’ve also thought it could be that I’ve not been exercising because I’ve been ill and that it’s having an effect on my mental health. Or it could simply be because I’m physically unwell. The last and most unpalatable explanation is that stopping my antipsychotic medication was a mistake and I do actually need to take it forever. I really hope this isn’t true. I’ve just started making progress with my health and fitness and if I have to go back on Quetiapine it will break my heart.
Here are some of the pictures that have made me cry today
Brain Wanderings 